Theresa May and David Davis pay FULL PRICE for DFS sofa

Satire from Southend News Network: “Staff at a branch of sofa store DFS in West London have been celebrating today after Theresa May and David Davis paid the full ticket price of £1999 for a six-seater leather corner suite with recliners.

“According to sources at the scene, they also paid the full asking price of £400 for three-years’ Scotchguard cover without attempting to knock them down.

“One sales assistant said: ‘They just walked in, pointed at a suite and said ‘that one please’ as we need a new one for the Cabinet Meeting Room – they weren’t even that bothered about potentially not getting it before Christmas.’

“‘We’ve checked our records and it’s official – they have become the first people to pay the full ticket price for one of our sofas, and they ended up paying cash because they failed the credit check for the five-year payment plan.’

“‘I even managed to slip in a bottle of suede cleaner at the end for another twenty quid – you can’t even use it on leather.’”

[Read full article on Southend News Network website…]

Thank you for distracting everyone from my shit-show of a government, May tells Meghan

Satire from The Daily Mash: “Theresa May has thanked Meghan Markle for creating a temporary distraction from the never-ending shit-show the Tories have created.

“The prime minister telephoned Prince Harry’s fiancee moments after the official announcement of the royal engagement to say it was ‘probably the nicest thing anyone has ever done for her’.”

[Read full satirical article on The Daily Mash…]

 

Tory councillors ridiculed as they are drowned out by traffic noise while arguing against cycle path

From Cycling Weekly: An attempt by Conservative activists to promote their campaign against a new Cycle Superhighway in south-west London has somewhat backfired after a video posted online showed three men struggling to be heard above the noise of passing traffic.

While the three men talk about how they think the segregated cycle path will “destroy the character” of the “village high street”, they are drowned out by the sound of passing cars, vans and lorries, with Cllr McGregor’s introduction also interrupted by what sounds to be a truck reversing just off camera.

The video was picked up by Guardian writer Peter Walker, who said that you “genuinely couldn’t make it up”, before other Twitter users, including a certain Ned Boulting, weighed in with their thoughts on the video, also pointing out that getting more people on bikes would reduce pollution in the area and, as shown by studies elsewhere in London, provide increased trade for local businesses.

[Read full article on Cycling Weekly…]

Tory Cabinet Bingo

With Michael Fallon and Priti Patel both gone from the Tory Cabinet in the space of a week, how many more might you be able to cross off this card soon?

#StrongAndStable #ToryWheelsFallingOff: #MichaelFallon and #PritiPatel both gone from the #Tory cabinet in the space of a week… 😁

Posted by Stop the Tories Channel on Friday, November 10, 2017

The Conservative Party’s Instagram shows their social media game is absolutely terrible

From BuzzFeed: “The Conservatives have been forced to come up with a new social media strategy at their annual party conference.

“Unfortunately for their electoral prospects, this involves paying to push candid mobile phone pictures of middle-aged Cabinet Office minister Damian Green holding a piece of paper into the public’s Instagram feeds.

“Shortly afterwards the Conservatives made another Instagram post: This time it was an overlit picture of defence secretary Michael Fallon sitting in a temporary office.”

[Read full article on BuzzFeed…]

The Tories tried to launch a right-wing Momentum and it’s just embarrassing

From Huck magazine: “Welcome to Activate UK”, read their first Tweet posted yesterday evening, with #activateuk #meme #retweet #rt thrown in for good measure. It’s not just the embarrassing hashtags that suggest whoever is behind the social media operation here is doomed to fail from the offset, anyone with a grip on social media could tell you the their handle (@Activate_uk_net) with its double underscoring is truly an awful choice.

[Read full article on Huck magazine website…]

#AllStarTories: Mugshot gallery of some of the stellar candidates to replace Theresa

Latest odds (8 Aug) from Paddy Power for the next #Tory leader:David Davis 3/1Jacob Rees Mogg 6/1Philip Hammond…

Posted by Stop the Tories Channel on Tuesday, August 8, 2017

Please stop revealing to everyone what a shower of shit we really are, Theresa May begs cabinet

Satire from News Thump: “The prime minister has pleaded with her cabinet to stop leaking information to the press about how entirely incompetent everyone is.

“As yet more stories appeared about disagreements at the top of the party on key elements of the government’s strategy, Theresa May pleaded with everyone concerned to keep it quiet.

“A leaked document showed that she told cabinet members, ‘There is little point me pretending we’re a slick, well-oiled machine driving the country forward to a brighter future, because everyone knows that is complete bullshit.

“’So the very least we can do is aim for a situation where people don’t see us as a bunch of incompetent back-stabbers who’d eat our own grandmother if it put a dent in the political ambitions of a rival.

“’Yes, that might well be true; you know it, and they know it – but it would be nice if we stopped confirming it publicly every five bloody minutes.’

[Read full satirical article on News Thump…]

You could reduce drug use instantly by just f**king off, Britain tells Tories

Satire from The Daily Mash: “The UK has told the #Conservatives that they could halve drug use at a stroke by going away and never coming back.

“Experts believe that, after an initial euphoric surge, use of cannabis, cocaine, ecstasy and ketamine would be reduced by a minimum of 50 per cent as Britons no longer felt the need to blot out reality.

“Pharmacologist Dr Helen Archer said: ‘And it’s not just the illegal ones.

“”Alcohol use would drop precipitously, Viagra prescriptions would fall as Remainers found themselves joyously able to achieve erections again, and you need fewer sleeping pills when you’re not living in a nightmare.”

[Read full satirical article on The Daily Mash website…]

Crowd at Northamptonshire village fete breaks into chant of ‘Andrea Leadsom’

Satire from The Daily Mash: A passionate crowd of about 15 people broke into chants of ‘Oh, Andrea Leadsom’ at a village fete in Northamptonshire yesterday.

The chant, to the tune of The White Stripes’ Seven Nation Army, spread rapidly through the crowd in the village of Spemble, before Leadsom surprised everyone by turning up and doing the tombola.

[Read full satirical article on The Daily Mash…]

Jonathan Pie: “This country spends millions papering over poverty with flammable cladding”… and it’s a metaphor for Tory ideology

Jonathan Pie on Tory Britain: “This country spends millions on social housing. Not building social housing or making it safe, clean and habitable, but where we spend millions papering over poverty with flammable cladding.”

Papering Over Poverty

Is austerity putting lives in danger?

Posted by Jonathan Pie on Sunday, June 18, 2017

“If that isn’t a metaphor for what this government’s ideology has done to our country, I don’t know what is.

“Cladding over poverty, so that posh people simply don’t have to look at it. Not in any way improving poor people’s lives, just ensuring that posh people don’t have to look at shitty houses. Priority #1.

“For an extra £2 you can make each section of cladding fireproof. ‘What’s the fucking point of that?’ Says it all, doesn’t it. Cladding over poverty, a veneer of compassion, a dangerous, sub-standard, least-amount-of-hassle-possible facade, to ensure the rich don’t have to acknowledge the existence or realities of being poor.

“We don’t need to make social housing better, we just need to make it look better. Because then property prices in the area will increase, and that is good for our economy, which is good for everyone… But mainly good for people in nice houses. Read more

UK hasn’t done enough to tackle terrorism, says woman whose job it was to tackle terrorism

Satire from News Thump: The UK hasn’t done enough to tackle terrorist extremists in the UK, according to the woman responsible for doing just that for the last six years.

Prime Minister Theresa May took the unprecedented step of attacking her own track record in tackling extremism when talking to reporters today.

She told the press, “The UK has not done enough to defeat extremism, and I should know because it was very specifically my job.

“When I say we haven’t done enough, I can be sure I’m correct in that assessment because everything we did for the last six years in trying to tackle extremism went across my desk as Home Secretary, and was specifically approved by me.

“So when I say we haven’t done enough, I am basically saying I was a bit shit at my job for quite a number of years.

[Read full satirical article on News Thump…]

 

“May wants to get her hands on whichever idiot called this election”

Satire from Mark Steel in The Independent: “Theresa May has been criticised for not going on the BBC’s TV debate, but as she said of Jeremy Corbyn, instead of going on television he ‘should be paying attention to Brexit negotiations. That’s what I’m doing’.

“This would be an extremely valid point, if Corbyn was going on television to commentate on the snooker, or appear in The Chase, or take an old bust of Harold Wilson to Antiques Roadshow as he’d been told it could fetch £60, rather than debating why he should be prime minister in an election in which he’s trying to become prime minister.”

[Read full satirical article on The Independent website…]

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