NHS hoping to recover after removal of malignant lump

Satire from NewsThump: The National Health Service is hoping it can make a full recovery after having a dangerous lump removed in an emergency operation this week.

It had appeared touch-and-go for the UK’s much-loved public organisation for a number of years, but following the successful operation it is hoped there could be a brighter future for the much-beloved health care system.

“I already feel so much better in myself knowing that the cancerous fucker is gone,” said the NHS.

“My doctors had told me that the problems were spreading at an alarming rate, and they were seeing symptoms everywhere.

[Read full satirical article on NewsThump…]

Have I Got News For You on Arlene Foster’s cash machine…

From Have I Got News for You:

As it’s revealed 300 cash machines are closing every month, Arlene Foster confirms that hers is still in perfect working order:

Posted by Have I Got News For You on Friday, June 29, 2018

David Schneider on DUP hypocrisy…

DUP on Brexit: How dare you contemplate Northern Ireland being different from the rest of the UK!DUP on abortion: How dare you not allow Northern Ireland to be different from the rest of the UK!

Posted by David Schneider on Monday, May 28, 2018

Theresa May and David Davis pay FULL PRICE for DFS sofa

Satire from Southend News Network: “Staff at a branch of sofa store DFS in West London have been celebrating today after Theresa May and David Davis paid the full ticket price of £1999 for a six-seater leather corner suite with recliners.

“According to sources at the scene, they also paid the full asking price of £400 for three-years’ Scotchguard cover without attempting to knock them down.

“One sales assistant said: ‘They just walked in, pointed at a suite and said ‘that one please’ as we need a new one for the Cabinet Meeting Room – they weren’t even that bothered about potentially not getting it before Christmas.’

“‘We’ve checked our records and it’s official – they have become the first people to pay the full ticket price for one of our sofas, and they ended up paying cash because they failed the credit check for the five-year payment plan.’

“‘I even managed to slip in a bottle of suede cleaner at the end for another twenty quid – you can’t even use it on leather.’”

[Read full article on Southend News Network website…]

Thank you for distracting everyone from my shit-show of a government, May tells Meghan

Satire from The Daily Mash: “Theresa May has thanked Meghan Markle for creating a temporary distraction from the never-ending shit-show the Tories have created.

“The prime minister telephoned Prince Harry’s fiancee moments after the official announcement of the royal engagement to say it was ‘probably the nicest thing anyone has ever done for her’.”

[Read full satirical article on The Daily Mash…]

 

Please stop revealing to everyone what a shower of shit we really are, Theresa May begs cabinet

Satire from News Thump: “The prime minister has pleaded with her cabinet to stop leaking information to the press about how entirely incompetent everyone is.

“As yet more stories appeared about disagreements at the top of the party on key elements of the government’s strategy, Theresa May pleaded with everyone concerned to keep it quiet.

“A leaked document showed that she told cabinet members, ‘There is little point me pretending we’re a slick, well-oiled machine driving the country forward to a brighter future, because everyone knows that is complete bullshit.

“’So the very least we can do is aim for a situation where people don’t see us as a bunch of incompetent back-stabbers who’d eat our own grandmother if it put a dent in the political ambitions of a rival.

“’Yes, that might well be true; you know it, and they know it – but it would be nice if we stopped confirming it publicly every five bloody minutes.’

[Read full satirical article on News Thump…]

You could reduce drug use instantly by just f**king off, Britain tells Tories

Satire from The Daily Mash: “The UK has told the #Conservatives that they could halve drug use at a stroke by going away and never coming back.

“Experts believe that, after an initial euphoric surge, use of cannabis, cocaine, ecstasy and ketamine would be reduced by a minimum of 50 per cent as Britons no longer felt the need to blot out reality.

“Pharmacologist Dr Helen Archer said: ‘And it’s not just the illegal ones.

“”Alcohol use would drop precipitously, Viagra prescriptions would fall as Remainers found themselves joyously able to achieve erections again, and you need fewer sleeping pills when you’re not living in a nightmare.”

[Read full satirical article on The Daily Mash website…]

Crowd at Northamptonshire village fete breaks into chant of ‘Andrea Leadsom’

Satire from The Daily Mash: A passionate crowd of about 15 people broke into chants of ‘Oh, Andrea Leadsom’ at a village fete in Northamptonshire yesterday.

The chant, to the tune of The White Stripes’ Seven Nation Army, spread rapidly through the crowd in the village of Spemble, before Leadsom surprised everyone by turning up and doing the tombola.

[Read full satirical article on The Daily Mash…]

UK hasn’t done enough to tackle terrorism, says woman whose job it was to tackle terrorism

Satire from News Thump: The UK hasn’t done enough to tackle terrorist extremists in the UK, according to the woman responsible for doing just that for the last six years.

Prime Minister Theresa May took the unprecedented step of attacking her own track record in tackling extremism when talking to reporters today.

She told the press, “The UK has not done enough to defeat extremism, and I should know because it was very specifically my job.

“When I say we haven’t done enough, I can be sure I’m correct in that assessment because everything we did for the last six years in trying to tackle extremism went across my desk as Home Secretary, and was specifically approved by me.

“So when I say we haven’t done enough, I am basically saying I was a bit shit at my job for quite a number of years.

[Read full satirical article on News Thump…]

 

“May wants to get her hands on whichever idiot called this election”

Satire from Mark Steel in The Independent: “Theresa May has been criticised for not going on the BBC’s TV debate, but as she said of Jeremy Corbyn, instead of going on television he ‘should be paying attention to Brexit negotiations. That’s what I’m doing’.

“This would be an extremely valid point, if Corbyn was going on television to commentate on the snooker, or appear in The Chase, or take an old bust of Harold Wilson to Antiques Roadshow as he’d been told it could fetch £60, rather than debating why he should be prime minister in an election in which he’s trying to become prime minister.”

[Read full satirical article on The Independent website…]

Shame for Corbyn as source confirms Corbyn had curry with SKELETOR in 1991

Satire from Southend News Network: A new scandal is set to engulf Jeremy Corbyn’s general election campaign today as it has emerged that the Labour candidate ‘had a curry’ with Skeletor in 1991.

The internationally known creature of unspeakable evil failed on a number of occasions to conquer Castle Greyskull and obtain the means for absolute rule over Eternia, and a source has confirmed spotting Corbyn with him in a Brick Lane curry house in East London.

He wishes to remain anonymous, but he told our Chief Reporter that he ‘couldn’t believe his eyes’ when he spotted Mr Corbyn’s dining partner over a shared vegetable biryani.

[Read full satirical article on Southend News Network…]

Woman who keeps voting Tory can’t work out why public services are shit

Satire from The Daily Mash: “A woman who keeps voting for #Conservative governments cannot understand why her local services are terrible.

“Donna Sheridan has so far been unable to make a connection between public services being dreadful and those services being run by politicians who do not really agree with the idea of public services.

“Sheridan said: ‘When I went to A&E it took six hours for a doctor to see me and she looked totally stressed. They should employ ones who can work quicker and handle a bit of pressure.

“’I was disappointed when they closed our library, but the librarians should have focused on making a profit instead of sponging off the state.’

“She added: “I doubt the Tories are to blame because Theresa May is like a headmistress and Jeremy Hunt always looks very smart. I don’t really follow the news.”

[Read full satirical article on The Daily Mash…]