From i News: The Government’s Brexit white paper was translated into 22 languages – only to receive a hail of criticism and confusion from native speakers who noticed strange, obsolete or even made-up words.
From Business Insider UK: President Donald Trump said he felt “unwelcome” in London after its mayor, Sadiq Khan, permitted a 20-foot-tall angry “Trump Baby” blimp depicting him to be flown during Trump’s UK visit.
Satire from NewsThump: The National Health Service is hoping it can make a full recovery after having a dangerous lump removed in an emergency operation this week.
It had appeared touch-and-go for the UK’s much-loved public organisation for a number of years, but following the successful operation it is hoped there could be a brighter future for the much-beloved health care system.
“I already feel so much better in myself knowing that the cancerous fucker is gone,” said the NHS.
“My doctors had told me that the problems were spreading at an alarming rate, and they were seeing symptoms everywhere.
From the Evening Standard: Sadiq Khan has given his permission for a giant balloon of Donald Trump wearing a nappy to be flown over Westminster by protesters during the US President’s official visit to London.
From the Guardian: At the start of a summit of EU leaders in Brussels, the British prime minister was ambushed by the Belgian prime minister, Charles Michel, who presented her with a Belgian football team top ahead of the England v Belgium World Cup game.
Theresa May held up the strip, before realising that doing so might be a PR gaffe, and appeared to attempt to hide it away. Unfortunately her fellow leaders pointed to the TV monitors showing her reaction live to a packed hall of reporters.
When negotiating you need to make sure you're absolutely trustworthy, that your word is your bond. In unrelated news, David Davis who said he'd resign if Damian Green was sacked, isn't going to resign.
Satire from Southend News Network: “Staff at a branch of sofa store DFS in West London have been celebrating today after Theresa May and David Davis paid the full ticket price of £1999 for a six-seater leather corner suite with recliners.
“According to sources at the scene, they also paid the full asking price of £400 for three-years’ Scotchguard cover without attempting to knock them down.
“One sales assistant said: ‘They just walked in, pointed at a suite and said ‘that one please’ as we need a new one for the Cabinet Meeting Room – they weren’t even that bothered about potentially not getting it before Christmas.’
“‘We’ve checked our records and it’s official – they have become the first people to pay the full ticket price for one of our sofas, and they ended up paying cash because they failed the credit check for the five-year payment plan.’
“‘I even managed to slip in a bottle of suede cleaner at the end for another twenty quid – you can’t even use it on leather.’”
From Cycling Weekly: An attempt by Conservative activists to promote their campaign against a new Cycle Superhighway in south-west London has somewhat backfired after a video posted online showed three men struggling to be heard above the noise of passing traffic.
While the three men talk about how they think the segregated cycle path will “destroy the character” of the “village high street”, they are drowned out by the sound of passing cars, vans and lorries, with Cllr McGregor’s introduction also interrupted by what sounds to be a truck reversing just off camera.
The video was picked up by Guardian writer Peter Walker, who said that you “genuinely couldn’t make it up”, before other Twitter users, including a certain Ned Boulting, weighed in with their thoughts on the video, also pointing out that getting more people on bikes would reduce pollution in the area and, as shown by studies elsewhere in London, provide increased trade for local businesses.
From BuzzFeed: “The Conservatives have been forced to come up with a new social media strategy at their annual party conference.
“Unfortunately for their electoral prospects, this involves paying to push candid mobile phone pictures of middle-aged Cabinet Office minister Damian Green holding a piece of paper into the public’s Instagram feeds.
“Shortly afterwards the Conservatives made another Instagram post: This time it was an overlit picture of defence secretary Michael Fallon sitting in a temporary office.”