*UNDER CONSTRUCTION* Signal-boosting #ToryBritain truths to the nation. Helping YOU be part of the fightback.
Satire from Daily Squat: Police have investigated a disturbance at Jeremy Hunt’s house after neighbours claim they heard screams of ‘Look what you did to me’ and ‘You fucking ruined me’ from the NHS.
Jeremy Hunt was in what has been described as an ‘abusive relationship’ with the NHS for almost six years.
From Daily Squat: Alan B’Stard has entered himself into the Conservative leadership battle at the last possible moment, according to sources within the Conservative Party. B’Stard, who holds a massive majority in Haltemprice, was one of the rising stars of the Conservative Party in the 1980s before several major scandals halted his progress.
Satire from NewsThump: Britain is right on the brink of feeling sympathy for Theresa May but definitely isn’t actually going to have said feeling.
With the Prime Minister facing a leadership challenge having grabbed the poisoned chalice that is the position of the Brexit Prime Minister and putting up with months of fuckery from bastards ranging from Michael Gove to Boris Johnson, the embattled leader certainly cuts a lonely, sad figure.
“I nearly went ‘aww’ when I saw her on the news earlier,” confessed citizen, Hayley Rice.
“But then someone reminded me of the massive cuts to policing, the hostile environment towards immigrants and the necessary presence of food banks and I quickly snapped out of it and threw a rotten tomato at the telly.
Do you know anyone who would eat this?! 🤔🤢
Posted by Momentum on Wednesday, December 5, 2018
Satire from NewsThump: Former Work and Pensions secretary Esther McVey is said to be shocked and disappointed at the benefits to which she is entitled after voluntarily leaving Theresa May’s cabinet.
“Esther is devastated to find out her income will now fall dramatically,” said a close associate.
“She’s worked bloody hard for this country, and distraught to find out that she’s literally not eligible for any sort of benefit to make up her income now she’s no longer getting a lucrative minister’s salary.”
It is understood that McVey is livid that resigning her office means that her Universal Credit could be sanctioned by up to 26 weeks.
“Esther can’t believe that the Government could be so callous and uncaring to someone like her who didn’t want to have to resign, but was forced into it by circumstances beyond her control,” continued McVey’s associate.
“Like the majority of Tory party supporters, she understands and believes in the Government’s principles of austerity, and of clamping down on benefit fraud.
“But not when it has a detrimental effect on her personally, like in how much money she gets each month.
Satire from the Rochdale Herald: Theresa May will communicate the UK’s Brexit plan to the House of Commons later today using the medium of dance.
One insider told us, “The Prime Minister has decided that her dancing has been such a hit recently that she’ll be best to get her message across using dance. She’s been practising most nights since the party conference. Whereas her previous attempts have been more classical she has been practicing elements of street and modern dance.”
Satire from NewsThump: Green activists have criticised Theresa May’s government for using disposable Brexit Secretaries which end up polluting the oceans.
In light of the resignation of Brexit Secretary Dominic Raab, environmental campaigners have been vocal about the government’s deployment of non-renewable ministers.
“There’s no need for it in this day and age,” said campaigner Simon Williams. “Discarded Brexit Secretaries are one of the biggest threats to marine life.
“Thousands of animals have choked to death on the empty rhetoric of David Davis alone.
“Think of all the energy that’s wasted when a new Brexit Secretary comes along, talks bollocks for a bit, demonstrates worrying levels of ignorance and then resigns. Where do you think all that hot air is going?
Satire from NewsThump: In the wake of several high-profile cabinet resignations, Theresa May has made her most sensible choice for a cabinet Minister yet.
Baldrick has been named the new Brexit Secretary, having displayed exceptional ability for cunning plans in seemingly desperate situations between the 15th and 20th centuries.
From NewsThump: Secretary of State for Exiting the European Union, Dominic Raab has admitted that he thought supermarket shelves and hospital medicine supplies were stocked by magical “pixies and fairy folk”.
Speaking at a tech event Raab admitted he “hadn’t quite understood the full extent of this” when referring to frictionless trade between Dover and Calais, believing it had all been happening by ‘magic’.
Mr Raab said, “I am a strong and passionate proponent of Brexit, and I believe it must happen because I have staked my entire career on it, but I must admit, I was very shocked to find Brie isn’t made by Brie fairies from the mysterious magical woods near each supermarket and shop, only visible to those they allow to see.
“Its the same with medicines. My private doctor has always been able to just prescribe them by writing a special letter to the pharmaceutical pixies, who then fly them to a dispensary in time for me to pick them up, or so I thought.
“I found out just today that stuff is made by foreigners across the big river between Dover and Calais where they talk in secret languages indecipherable to British patriots.
Satire from the Daily Squat: Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn might have met up with Guy Fawkes just days before his failed terrorist attack on parliament, according to the Daily Mail.
The Daily Mail is claiming that Jeremy Corbyn met with the terrorist shortly before the attack and may have even provided Fawkes with details on the layout of parliament.
As evidence, the Daily Mail has produced a crudely Photoshopped image, as well as several damning quotes from right-wing figures.
‘This is deeply concerning, if true. And it almost certainly is,’ said Boris Johnson.
From Bored Panda: After another cyclist friend was injured by potholes, Wanksy, an artist from Greater Manchester, England, decided to act. He used washable paint to draw penises around potholes in his neighbourhood, and suddenly, they were repaired in 48 hours.
“People will drive over the same pothole and forget about it.
“Suddenly you draw something amusing around it, everyone sees it and it either gets reported or fixed.”
From The Out and Abouter: A team of experts from the University of Atlantis released their analysis of what ultimately caused Mars to become a barren dustbowl of shattered galactic dreams: entirely avoidable environmental disaster coupled with unresponsive conservative governance.
Lead researcher on the project, Dr. Philemin, explains.
“While the fossil record on the red planet appears to have been mostly destroyed by the last Martian governments, who went to some lengths to attempt to hide the scale of their stupidity from eternity, we still managed to turn up compelling evidence that these guys knew this shit was coming. But they chose not to act because: dividends. Those weekend houses on Phobos don’t pay for themselves, it would seem.”
Viral comedy social video (creator unknown): “Are you looking for the perfect gift for your loved one this Christmas? Then why not try Mamma May-a – Theresa May sings the hits of ABBA!
“I can dance… I can jive… Messing around with your lives… End free movement! Stockpile beans! I am the Dancing Queen!
“Join Theresa as she travels the world, serenading emerging economies!
“Gimme gimme gimme some trade after Brexit! We can lower standards and we’ll deregulate! Gimme gimme gimme some trade after Brexit! Do away with tariffs and we’ll be your best mate!”
#abba Tribute by Theresa
Posted by Vote SNP on Friday, October 5, 2018
Satire from NewsThump: A highly popular song has been ruined by a deeply unpopular person, according to reports today.
In what was apparently an attempt at self-deprecation, Theresa May entered the stage at the Conservative Party Conference to ABBA’s classic tune ‘Dancing Queen’, consigning the song to remain on the shelves of households across the country forever due to the association she has now created.
Livid ABBA fan Simon Williams told us, “When I turned on the TV to hear the Prime Minister’s speech and heard the opening bars of that disco classic my heart sank through the floor.”
#ToryConf18: Couldn't make it to Conservative Party Conference this week in Birmingham? Here's some of what you…
Posted by Stop The Tories Channel on Wednesday, October 3, 2018
From The Guardian: “Theresa was the obvious baddie. It was 2016, just after Brexit and the departure of David Cameron. I thought: ‘We finally have a real Conservative villain.’ She’s very Dickensian, there’s something of Scrooge about her. I could picture her creeping up the stairs, candle in hand, swiping coal off people.
“As time has gone on, I think she’s weakened, what with all the U-turns. Now I play her as a more subservient character, a very shaken woman who jumps when someone rings the doorbell. The act is her tearing herself to shreds. She’ll say something then contradict herself. The whole show is based on things she’s said and done, like allowing Boris Johnson to just walk out of the cabinet of his own accord.
“She may not have been a gift to the country, but she’s definitely been a gift for the drag community.”
Satire from NewsThump: Britain cannot see why Theresa May is announcing plans to slash corporation tax, sure to be acclaimed by ordinary voters, discreetly in New York.
May has inexplicably pledged that Britain will become a low tax paradise for struggling multinationals at a business forum across the Atlantic, instead of in front of cheering crowds in her London home.
Delivery driver Wayne Hayes said: “The biggest problem facing Britain today is our ridiculously high corporation tax of 19 per cent. That’s why so many of them have to avoid it. But instead of announcing this hugely popular common sense policy in the UK, perhaps to kickstart an election campaign, May seems to be doing it almost as though she’s trying to keep it quiet.
“I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s privately proposing more hit policies, like contracting US healthcare providers to run the NHS or abolishing all employment rights, to billionaires without realising they’re what we all want to hear.”
Satire from The Daily Mash: Britons are struggling to understand why good economic news keeps coming out but their personal finances are still up shit creek.
After wages rose faster than expected, many people are wondering when all the positive trends will lead to something actually useful like being able to buy a house.
From The Independent: Boris Johnson was booed by spectators at the Oval cricket ground in south London when he was shown on the big screen during the England v India Test match.
From The Independent: Boris Johnson has been ridiculed by the President of Kenya, who appeared to feign forgetting his name and then referred to the former foreign secretary as “the bicycle guy”.