*UNDER CONSTRUCTION* Signal-boosting #ToryBritain truths to the nation. Helping YOU be part of the fightback.
Satire from Daily Squat: Police have investigated a disturbance at Jeremy Hunt’s house after neighbours claim they heard screams of ‘Look what you did to me’ and ‘You fucking ruined me’ from the NHS.
Jeremy Hunt was in what has been described as an ‘abusive relationship’ with the NHS for almost six years.
From Daily Squat: Alan B’Stard has entered himself into the Conservative leadership battle at the last possible moment, according to sources within the Conservative Party. B’Stard, who holds a massive majority in Haltemprice, was one of the rising stars of the Conservative Party in the 1980s before several major scandals halted his progress.
Satire from NewsThump: Britain is right on the brink of feeling sympathy for Theresa May but definitely isn’t actually going to have said feeling.
With the Prime Minister facing a leadership challenge having grabbed the poisoned chalice that is the position of the Brexit Prime Minister and putting up with months of fuckery from bastards ranging from Michael Gove to Boris Johnson, the embattled leader certainly cuts a lonely, sad figure.
“I nearly went ‘aww’ when I saw her on the news earlier,” confessed citizen, Hayley Rice.
“But then someone reminded me of the massive cuts to policing, the hostile environment towards immigrants and the necessary presence of food banks and I quickly snapped out of it and threw a rotten tomato at the telly.
Satire from NewsThump: Former Work and Pensions secretary Esther McVey is said to be shocked and disappointed at the benefits to which she is entitled after voluntarily leaving Theresa May’s cabinet.
“Esther is devastated to find out her income will now fall dramatically,” said a close associate.
“She’s worked bloody hard for this country, and distraught to find out that she’s literally not eligible for any sort of benefit to make up her income now she’s no longer getting a lucrative minister’s salary.”
It is understood that McVey is livid that resigning her office means that her Universal Credit could be sanctioned by up to 26 weeks.
“Esther can’t believe that the Government could be so callous and uncaring to someone like her who didn’t want to have to resign, but was forced into it by circumstances beyond her control,” continued McVey’s associate.
“Like the majority of Tory party supporters, she understands and believes in the Government’s principles of austerity, and of clamping down on benefit fraud.
“But not when it has a detrimental effect on her personally, like in how much money she gets each month.
Satire from the Rochdale Herald: Theresa May will communicate the UK’s Brexit plan to the House of Commons later today using the medium of dance.
One insider told us, “The Prime Minister has decided that her dancing has been such a hit recently that she’ll be best to get her message across using dance. She’s been practising most nights since the party conference. Whereas her previous attempts have been more classical she has been practicing elements of street and modern dance.”
Satire from NewsThump: Green activists have criticised Theresa May’s government for using disposable Brexit Secretaries which end up polluting the oceans.
In light of the resignation of Brexit Secretary Dominic Raab, environmental campaigners have been vocal about the government’s deployment of non-renewable ministers.
“There’s no need for it in this day and age,” said campaigner Simon Williams. “Discarded Brexit Secretaries are one of the biggest threats to marine life.
“Thousands of animals have choked to death on the empty rhetoric of David Davis alone.
“Think of all the energy that’s wasted when a new Brexit Secretary comes along, talks bollocks for a bit, demonstrates worrying levels of ignorance and then resigns. Where do you think all that hot air is going?
Satire from NewsThump: In the wake of several high-profile cabinet resignations, Theresa May has made her most sensible choice for a cabinet Minister yet.
Baldrick has been named the new Brexit Secretary, having displayed exceptional ability for cunning plans in seemingly desperate situations between the 15th and 20th centuries.
From NewsThump: Secretary of State for Exiting the European Union, Dominic Raab has admitted that he thought supermarket shelves and hospital medicine supplies were stocked by magical “pixies and fairy folk”.
Speaking at a tech event Raab admitted he “hadn’t quite understood the full extent of this” when referring to frictionless trade between Dover and Calais, believing it had all been happening by ‘magic’.
Mr Raab said, “I am a strong and passionate proponent of Brexit, and I believe it must happen because I have staked my entire career on it, but I must admit, I was very shocked to find Brie isn’t made by Brie fairies from the mysterious magical woods near each supermarket and shop, only visible to those they allow to see.
“Its the same with medicines. My private doctor has always been able to just prescribe them by writing a special letter to the pharmaceutical pixies, who then fly them to a dispensary in time for me to pick them up, or so I thought.
“I found out just today that stuff is made by foreigners across the big river between Dover and Calais where they talk in secret languages indecipherable to British patriots.
Satire from the Daily Squat: Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn might have met up with Guy Fawkes just days before his failed terrorist attack on parliament, according to the Daily Mail.
The Daily Mail is claiming that Jeremy Corbyn met with the terrorist shortly before the attack and may have even provided Fawkes with details on the layout of parliament.
As evidence, the Daily Mail has produced a crudely Photoshopped image, as well as several damning quotes from right-wing figures.
‘This is deeply concerning, if true. And it almost certainly is,’ said Boris Johnson.
From The Out and Abouter: A team of experts from the University of Atlantis released their analysis of what ultimately caused Mars to become a barren dustbowl of shattered galactic dreams: entirely avoidable environmental disaster coupled with unresponsive conservative governance.
Lead researcher on the project, Dr. Philemin, explains.
“While the fossil record on the red planet appears to have been mostly destroyed by the last Martian governments, who went to some lengths to attempt to hide the scale of their stupidity from eternity, we still managed to turn up compelling evidence that these guys knew this shit was coming. But they chose not to act because: dividends. Those weekend houses on Phobos don’t pay for themselves, it would seem.”
Satire from NewsThump: A highly popular song has been ruined by a deeply unpopular person, according to reports today.
In what was apparently an attempt at self-deprecation, Theresa May entered the stage at the Conservative Party Conference to ABBA’s classic tune ‘Dancing Queen’, consigning the song to remain on the shelves of households across the country forever due to the association she has now created.
Livid ABBA fan Simon Williams told us, “When I turned on the TV to hear the Prime Minister’s speech and heard the opening bars of that disco classic my heart sank through the floor.”
Satire from NewsThump: Britain cannot see why Theresa May is announcing plans to slash corporation tax, sure to be acclaimed by ordinary voters, discreetly in New York.
May has inexplicably pledged that Britain will become a low tax paradise for struggling multinationals at a business forum across the Atlantic, instead of in front of cheering crowds in her London home.
Delivery driver Wayne Hayes said: “The biggest problem facing Britain today is our ridiculously high corporation tax of 19 per cent. That’s why so many of them have to avoid it. But instead of announcing this hugely popular common sense policy in the UK, perhaps to kickstart an election campaign, May seems to be doing it almost as though she’s trying to keep it quiet.
“I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s privately proposing more hit policies, like contracting US healthcare providers to run the NHS or abolishing all employment rights, to billionaires without realising they’re what we all want to hear.”
Satire from The Daily Mash: Britons are struggling to understand why good economic news keeps coming out but their personal finances are still up shit creek.
After wages rose faster than expected, many people are wondering when all the positive trends will lead to something actually useful like being able to buy a house.
If there’s one thing I trust this government to do, it’s to fuck up the stockpiling of food and medicines
Posted by Frankie Boyle on Friday, July 27, 2018
Satire from NewsThump: The National Health Service is hoping it can make a full recovery after having a dangerous lump removed in an emergency operation this week.
It had appeared touch-and-go for the UK’s much-loved public organisation for a number of years, but following the successful operation it is hoped there could be a brighter future for the much-beloved health care system.
“I already feel so much better in myself knowing that the cancerous fucker is gone,” said the NHS.
“My doctors had told me that the problems were spreading at an alarming rate, and they were seeing symptoms everywhere.
From Have I Got News for You:
As it’s revealed 300 cash machines are closing every month, Arlene Foster confirms that hers is still in perfect working order:
Posted by Have I Got News For You on Friday, June 29, 2018
DUP on Brexit: How dare you contemplate Northern Ireland being different from the rest of the UK!DUP on abortion: How dare you not allow Northern Ireland to be different from the rest of the UK!
Posted by David Schneider on Monday, May 28, 2018
Satire from Southend News Network: “Staff at a branch of sofa store DFS in West London have been celebrating today after Theresa May and David Davis paid the full ticket price of £1999 for a six-seater leather corner suite with recliners.
“According to sources at the scene, they also paid the full asking price of £400 for three-years’ Scotchguard cover without attempting to knock them down.
“One sales assistant said: ‘They just walked in, pointed at a suite and said ‘that one please’ as we need a new one for the Cabinet Meeting Room – they weren’t even that bothered about potentially not getting it before Christmas.’
“‘We’ve checked our records and it’s official – they have become the first people to pay the full ticket price for one of our sofas, and they ended up paying cash because they failed the credit check for the five-year payment plan.’
“‘I even managed to slip in a bottle of suede cleaner at the end for another twenty quid – you can’t even use it on leather.’”
Satire from The Daily Mash: “Theresa May has thanked Meghan Markle for creating a temporary distraction from the never-ending shit-show the Tories have created.
“The prime minister telephoned Prince Harry’s fiancee moments after the official announcement of the royal engagement to say it was ‘probably the nicest thing anyone has ever done for her’.”
[Read full satirical article on The Daily Mash…]
Satire from News Thump: “The prime minister has pleaded with her cabinet to stop leaking information to the press about how entirely incompetent everyone is.
“As yet more stories appeared about disagreements at the top of the party on key elements of the government’s strategy, Theresa May pleaded with everyone concerned to keep it quiet.
“A leaked document showed that she told cabinet members, ‘There is little point me pretending we’re a slick, well-oiled machine driving the country forward to a brighter future, because everyone knows that is complete bullshit.
“’So the very least we can do is aim for a situation where people don’t see us as a bunch of incompetent back-stabbers who’d eat our own grandmother if it put a dent in the political ambitions of a rival.
“’Yes, that might well be true; you know it, and they know it – but it would be nice if we stopped confirming it publicly every five bloody minutes.’