Everybody almost-but-not-quite feeling sorry for Theresa May

Satire from NewsThump: Britain is right on the brink of feeling sympathy for Theresa May but definitely isn’t actually going to have said feeling.

With the Prime Minister facing a leadership challenge having grabbed the poisoned chalice that is the position of the Brexit Prime Minister and putting up with months of fuckery from bastards ranging from Michael Gove to Boris Johnson, the embattled leader certainly cuts a lonely, sad figure.

“I nearly went ‘aww’ when I saw her on the news earlier,” confessed citizen, Hayley Rice.

“But then someone reminded me of the massive cuts to policing, the hostile environment towards immigrants and the necessary presence of food banks and I quickly snapped out of it and threw a rotten tomato at the telly.

[Read full satirical article on NewsThump…]

Esther McVey ‘now subject to benefit sanctions’ after voluntarily resigning from her job

Satire from NewsThump: Former Work and Pensions secretary Esther McVey is said to be shocked and disappointed at the benefits to which she is entitled after voluntarily leaving Theresa May’s cabinet.

“Esther is devastated to find out her income will now fall dramatically,” said a close associate.

“She’s worked bloody hard for this country, and distraught to find out that she’s literally not eligible for any sort of benefit to make up her income now she’s no longer getting a lucrative minister’s salary.”

It is understood that McVey is livid that resigning her office means that her Universal Credit could be sanctioned by up to 26 weeks.

“Esther can’t believe that the Government could be so callous and uncaring to someone like her who didn’t want to have to resign, but was forced into it by circumstances beyond her control,” continued McVey’s associate.

“Like the majority of Tory party supporters, she understands and believes in the Government’s principles of austerity, and of clamping down on benefit fraud.

“But not when it has a detrimental effect on her personally, like in how much money she gets each month.

[Read full satirical article on NewsThump…]

Theresa May to communicate Brexit deal using dance

Satire from the Rochdale Herald: Theresa May will communicate the UK’s Brexit plan to the House of Commons later today using the medium of dance.

One insider told us, “The Prime Minister has decided that her dancing has been such a hit recently that she’ll be best to get her message across using dance. She’s been practising most nights since the party conference. Whereas her previous attempts have been more classical she has been practicing elements of street and modern dance.”

[Read full satirical article on The Rochdale Herald…]

Environmentalists criticise government for employing single-use Brexit Secretaries

Satire from NewsThump: Green activists have criticised Theresa May’s government for using disposable Brexit Secretaries which end up polluting the oceans.

In light of the resignation of Brexit Secretary Dominic Raab, environmental campaigners have been vocal about the government’s deployment of non-renewable ministers.

“There’s no need for it in this day and age,” said campaigner Simon Williams. “Discarded Brexit Secretaries are one of the biggest threats to marine life.

“Thousands of animals have choked to death on the empty rhetoric of David Davis alone.

“Think of all the energy that’s wasted when a new Brexit Secretary comes along, talks bollocks for a bit, demonstrates worrying levels of ignorance and then resigns. Where do you think all that hot air is going?

[Read full satirical article on NewsThump website…]

“I thought food and medicine appeared because of food and medicine fairies” admits Dominic Raab

From NewsThump: Secretary of State for Exiting the European Union, Dominic Raab has admitted that he thought supermarket shelves and hospital medicine supplies were stocked by magical “pixies and fairy folk”.

Speaking at a tech event Raab admitted he “hadn’t quite understood the full extent of this” when referring to frictionless trade between Dover and Calais, believing it had all been happening by ‘magic’.

Mr Raab said, “I am a strong and passionate proponent of Brexit, and I believe it must happen because I have staked my entire career on it, but I must admit, I was very shocked to find Brie isn’t made by Brie fairies from the mysterious magical woods near each supermarket and shop, only visible to those they allow to see.

“Its the same with medicines. My private doctor has always been able to just prescribe them by writing a special letter to the pharmaceutical pixies, who then fly them to a dispensary in time for me to pick them up, or so I thought.

“I found out just today that stuff is made by foreigners across the big river between Dover and Calais where they talk in secret languages indecipherable to British patriots.

[Read full satirical article on NewsThump…]

Jeremy Corbyn met Guy Fawkes just days before Gunpowder Plot, claims Daily Mail

Satire from the Daily Squat: Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn might have met up with Guy Fawkes just days before his failed terrorist attack on parliament, according to the Daily Mail.

The Daily Mail is claiming that Jeremy Corbyn met with the terrorist shortly before the attack and may have even provided Fawkes with details on the layout of parliament.

As evidence, the Daily Mail has produced a crudely Photoshopped image, as well as several damning quotes from right-wing figures.

‘This is deeply concerning, if true. And it almost certainly is,’ said Boris Johnson.

[Read full article on the Daily Squat…]

Experts say vast deserts, absence of life, may indicate Mars was once run by conservatives

From The Out and Abouter: A team of experts from the University of Atlantis released their analysis of what ultimately caused Mars to become a barren dustbowl of shattered galactic dreams: entirely avoidable environmental disaster coupled with unresponsive conservative governance.

Lead researcher on the project, Dr. Philemin, explains.

“While the fossil record on the red planet appears to have been mostly destroyed by the last Martian governments, who went to some lengths to attempt to hide the scale of their stupidity from eternity, we still managed to turn up compelling evidence that these guys knew this shit was coming. But they chose not to act because: dividends. Those weekend houses on Phobos don’t pay for themselves, it would seem.”

[Read full satirical article on The Out and Abouter…]

ABBA’s ‘Dancing Queen’ now ruined forever

Satire from NewsThump: A highly popular song has been ruined by a deeply unpopular person, according to reports today.

In what was apparently an attempt at self-deprecation, Theresa May entered the stage at the Conservative Party Conference to ABBA’s classic tune ‘Dancing Queen’, consigning the song to remain on the shelves of households across the country forever due to the association she has now created.

Livid ABBA fan Simon Williams told us, “When I turned on the TV to hear the Prime Minister’s speech and heard the opening bars of that disco classic my heart sank through the floor.”

[Read full satirical article on NewsThump website…]

UK can’t understand why May announcing vote-winning plan to slash corporation tax quietly in New York

Satire from NewsThump: Britain cannot see why Theresa May is announcing plans to slash corporation tax, sure to be acclaimed by ordinary voters, discreetly in New York.

May has inexplicably pledged that Britain will become a low tax paradise for struggling multinationals at a business forum across the Atlantic, instead of in front of cheering crowds in her London home.

Delivery driver Wayne Hayes said: “The biggest problem facing Britain today is our ridiculously high corporation tax of 19 per cent. That’s why so many of them have to avoid it. But instead of announcing this hugely popular common sense policy in the UK, perhaps to kickstart an election campaign, May seems to be doing it almost as though she’s trying to keep it quiet.

“I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s privately proposing more hit policies, like contracting US healthcare providers to run the NHS or abolishing all employment rights, to billionaires without realising they’re what we all want to hear.”

[Read full satirical article on NewsThump…]

“If the economy’s so f**king great, why I am skint?” says Britain

Satire from The Daily Mash: Britons are struggling to understand why good economic news keeps coming out but their personal finances are still up shit creek.

After wages rose faster than expected, many people are wondering when all the positive trends will lead to something actually useful like being able to buy a house.

[Read full satirical article on The Daily Mash…]

Frankie Boyle on Brexit food stockpiling…

If there’s one thing I trust this government to do, it’s to fuck up the stockpiling of food and medicines

Posted by Frankie Boyle on Friday, July 27, 2018

NHS hoping to recover after removal of malignant lump

Satire from NewsThump: The National Health Service is hoping it can make a full recovery after having a dangerous lump removed in an emergency operation this week.

It had appeared touch-and-go for the UK’s much-loved public organisation for a number of years, but following the successful operation it is hoped there could be a brighter future for the much-beloved health care system.

“I already feel so much better in myself knowing that the cancerous fucker is gone,” said the NHS.

“My doctors had told me that the problems were spreading at an alarming rate, and they were seeing symptoms everywhere.

[Read full satirical article on NewsThump…]

Have I Got News For You on Arlene Foster’s cash machine…

From Have I Got News for You:

As it’s revealed 300 cash machines are closing every month, Arlene Foster confirms that hers is still in perfect working order:

Posted by Have I Got News For You on Friday, June 29, 2018

David Schneider on DUP hypocrisy…

DUP on Brexit: How dare you contemplate Northern Ireland being different from the rest of the UK!DUP on abortion: How dare you not allow Northern Ireland to be different from the rest of the UK!

Posted by David Schneider on Monday, May 28, 2018

Theresa May and David Davis pay FULL PRICE for DFS sofa

Satire from Southend News Network: “Staff at a branch of sofa store DFS in West London have been celebrating today after Theresa May and David Davis paid the full ticket price of £1999 for a six-seater leather corner suite with recliners.

“According to sources at the scene, they also paid the full asking price of £400 for three-years’ Scotchguard cover without attempting to knock them down.

“One sales assistant said: ‘They just walked in, pointed at a suite and said ‘that one please’ as we need a new one for the Cabinet Meeting Room – they weren’t even that bothered about potentially not getting it before Christmas.’

“‘We’ve checked our records and it’s official – they have become the first people to pay the full ticket price for one of our sofas, and they ended up paying cash because they failed the credit check for the five-year payment plan.’

“‘I even managed to slip in a bottle of suede cleaner at the end for another twenty quid – you can’t even use it on leather.’”

[Read full article on Southend News Network website…]

Thank you for distracting everyone from my shit-show of a government, May tells Meghan

Satire from The Daily Mash: “Theresa May has thanked Meghan Markle for creating a temporary distraction from the never-ending shit-show the Tories have created.

“The prime minister telephoned Prince Harry’s fiancee moments after the official announcement of the royal engagement to say it was ‘probably the nicest thing anyone has ever done for her’.”

[Read full satirical article on The Daily Mash…]

 

Please stop revealing to everyone what a shower of shit we really are, Theresa May begs cabinet

Satire from News Thump: “The prime minister has pleaded with her cabinet to stop leaking information to the press about how entirely incompetent everyone is.

“As yet more stories appeared about disagreements at the top of the party on key elements of the government’s strategy, Theresa May pleaded with everyone concerned to keep it quiet.

“A leaked document showed that she told cabinet members, ‘There is little point me pretending we’re a slick, well-oiled machine driving the country forward to a brighter future, because everyone knows that is complete bullshit.

“’So the very least we can do is aim for a situation where people don’t see us as a bunch of incompetent back-stabbers who’d eat our own grandmother if it put a dent in the political ambitions of a rival.

“’Yes, that might well be true; you know it, and they know it – but it would be nice if we stopped confirming it publicly every five bloody minutes.’

[Read full satirical article on News Thump…]

You could reduce drug use instantly by just f**king off, Britain tells Tories

Satire from The Daily Mash: “The UK has told the #Conservatives that they could halve drug use at a stroke by going away and never coming back.

“Experts believe that, after an initial euphoric surge, use of cannabis, cocaine, ecstasy and ketamine would be reduced by a minimum of 50 per cent as Britons no longer felt the need to blot out reality.

“Pharmacologist Dr Helen Archer said: ‘And it’s not just the illegal ones.

“”Alcohol use would drop precipitously, Viagra prescriptions would fall as Remainers found themselves joyously able to achieve erections again, and you need fewer sleeping pills when you’re not living in a nightmare.”

[Read full satirical article on The Daily Mash website…]

Crowd at Northamptonshire village fete breaks into chant of ‘Andrea Leadsom’

Satire from The Daily Mash: A passionate crowd of about 15 people broke into chants of ‘Oh, Andrea Leadsom’ at a village fete in Northamptonshire yesterday.

The chant, to the tune of The White Stripes’ Seven Nation Army, spread rapidly through the crowd in the village of Spemble, before Leadsom surprised everyone by turning up and doing the tombola.

[Read full satirical article on The Daily Mash…]

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