You could reduce drug use instantly by just f**king off, Britain tells Tories

Satire from The Daily Mash: “The UK has told the #Conservatives that they could halve drug use at a stroke by going away and never coming back.

“Experts believe that, after an initial euphoric surge, use of cannabis, cocaine, ecstasy and ketamine would be reduced by a minimum of 50 per cent as Britons no longer felt the need to blot out reality.

“Pharmacologist Dr Helen Archer said: ‘And it’s not just the illegal ones.

“”Alcohol use would drop precipitously, Viagra prescriptions would fall as Remainers found themselves joyously able to achieve erections again, and you need fewer sleeping pills when you’re not living in a nightmare.”

[Read full satirical article on The Daily Mash website…]

Crowd at Northamptonshire village fete breaks into chant of ‘Andrea Leadsom’

Satire from The Daily Mash: A passionate crowd of about 15 people broke into chants of ‘Oh, Andrea Leadsom’ at a village fete in Northamptonshire yesterday.

The chant, to the tune of The White Stripes’ Seven Nation Army, spread rapidly through the crowd in the village of Spemble, before Leadsom surprised everyone by turning up and doing the tombola.

[Read full satirical article on The Daily Mash…]

UK hasn’t done enough to tackle terrorism, says woman whose job it was to tackle terrorism

Satire from News Thump: The UK hasn’t done enough to tackle terrorist extremists in the UK, according to the woman responsible for doing just that for the last six years.

Prime Minister Theresa May took the unprecedented step of attacking her own track record in tackling extremism when talking to reporters today.

She told the press, “The UK has not done enough to defeat extremism, and I should know because it was very specifically my job.

“When I say we haven’t done enough, I can be sure I’m correct in that assessment because everything we did for the last six years in trying to tackle extremism went across my desk as Home Secretary, and was specifically approved by me.

“So when I say we haven’t done enough, I am basically saying I was a bit shit at my job for quite a number of years.

[Read full satirical article on News Thump…]

 

“May wants to get her hands on whichever idiot called this election”

Satire from Mark Steel in The Independent: “Theresa May has been criticised for not going on the BBC’s TV debate, but as she said of Jeremy Corbyn, instead of going on television he ‘should be paying attention to Brexit negotiations. That’s what I’m doing’.

“This would be an extremely valid point, if Corbyn was going on television to commentate on the snooker, or appear in The Chase, or take an old bust of Harold Wilson to Antiques Roadshow as he’d been told it could fetch £60, rather than debating why he should be prime minister in an election in which he’s trying to become prime minister.”

[Read full satirical article on The Independent website…]

Shame for Corbyn as source confirms Corbyn had curry with SKELETOR in 1991

Satire from Southend News Network: A new scandal is set to engulf Jeremy Corbyn’s general election campaign today as it has emerged that the Labour candidate ‘had a curry’ with Skeletor in 1991.

The internationally known creature of unspeakable evil failed on a number of occasions to conquer Castle Greyskull and obtain the means for absolute rule over Eternia, and a source has confirmed spotting Corbyn with him in a Brick Lane curry house in East London.

He wishes to remain anonymous, but he told our Chief Reporter that he ‘couldn’t believe his eyes’ when he spotted Mr Corbyn’s dining partner over a shared vegetable biryani.

[Read full satirical article on Southend News Network…]

Woman who keeps voting Tory can’t work out why public services are shit

Satire from The Daily Mash: “A woman who keeps voting for #Conservative governments cannot understand why her local services are terrible.

“Donna Sheridan has so far been unable to make a connection between public services being dreadful and those services being run by politicians who do not really agree with the idea of public services.

“Sheridan said: ‘When I went to A&E it took six hours for a doctor to see me and she looked totally stressed. They should employ ones who can work quicker and handle a bit of pressure.

“’I was disappointed when they closed our library, but the librarians should have focused on making a profit instead of sponging off the state.’

“She added: “I doubt the Tories are to blame because Theresa May is like a headmistress and Jeremy Hunt always looks very smart. I don’t really follow the news.”

[Read full satirical article on The Daily Mash…]

‘Suspicious object’ at Daily Mail offices identified as a piece of factual journalism

Satire from NewsThump: The offices of the Daily Mail were evacuated earlier after a suspicious object later identified as a piece of journalism was discovered in the building.

A spokesman for the Daily Mail & General Trust confirmed they had no idea how the fact came to be at Northcliffe House and it definitely wasn’t theirs.

Chief Ad salesman Simon Williams told us how he made the discovery.

“My suspicions were first aroused when I saw this bit of research that included actual data and verified citations on it just lying about, and I thought ‘There’s no reason that should be here’.

“Clearly nobody at the newspaper would have something like that nowadays, so it must have been brought in by an outsider.”

[Read full satirical article on NewsThump website…]

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